What do you look forward to?

What do you look forward to on your day off?

For me, I looked forward to being able to sleep in on my day off, especially the first one. I’m exhausted from work. I always try to sleep in—it never happens. Have you heard of circadian rhythm or our ‘body clock’? I’m sure you have heard of this term before one way or another—it is our internal system that regulate feelings of sleepiness and wakefulness. Being in healthcare industry, I suppose, you get used to waking up super early for work. In my case, I wake up in the wee hours of the morning and had to be ready and be at work, at least, by 0630–rain or shine—if I’m schedule to work, I’m there without a doubt.

My body is used to waking up early, used to going to be bed at midnight or later and still manage to wake up early and on time for work. I guess, you could call me a ‘morning person’ and a ‘night owl’ at the same time. My body have adjusted onto getting 4-5 hours of sleep each night and be able to function at work or on my daily routines on my day off without a problem, without getting sleeping in the middle of the day or going to bed early at night due to tiredness/sleepiness—I’ve grown accustomed to it.

I have acclimated myself onto getting ‘enough’ sleep for several years now since I’ve started working healthcare. Nowadays, when I want to sleep in—is like a marathon for me, in which, I can’t make it even halfway the race. I can’t run. I can’t swim. I definitely can’t ride a bike for several miles without exhausting all my energy or when my heart suddenly give up on me. I would unconsciously wake up after 5 hours of sleep—no matter how tired I am. No matter how late I went to bed, I would still wake up at 0700 on the dot on my day off. My circadian rhythm is on point, as most people would say. I wish, I could say that it fail sometimes but it doesn’t.

What do I look forward to on my day off? I look forward to the ability to be able to sleep in, for once. For as much as I want to, I’m unable to do so. I envy those people who can sleep in as long as they want or those who can on their day off. I, truly, envy them. It is like a skill that I can’t hone no matter how much I try. Anxiety get the best out of me.

I often laugh at myself because 4 days out of 7 days in a week that I’m off—I can’t find myself lounging on my bed for hours after waking up…at 0700.

I think the reasoning why I can’t sleep in is not only it came with occupational experience, but for me, the idea of wasting my day off is like too painful for me to imagine. I am that kind of person who would want to use my hours wisely in a day and be productive. I admit, I am at fault for why I can’t sleep in. The anxiety of wasting my day off—lounging and being lazy—I deemed it unworthy, most of the time.

I want to make the best out of my day. I want to do what need to be done—may it be chores, hang outs, etc—I want to fully utilized my day and at the end of it, be able to tell myself, “You did good. You did an amazing job in executing your plans today.” Then pat myself in the back.

Now, I know why—more obvious as to why I cannot sleep in on my day off. All thanks to writing my thoughts as they are circling in my head like vultures. Eating me up alive until I start dissecting each and every one of them.

What do you look forward to on your day off?

Today is my day off. What do I look forward to in today’s agenda? It can be the idea of hanging out in a coffee shop while writing a blog, or going to the pet’s store with my little pup to buy his wet wipes, or my eyebrow appointment, or the concert that I’m taking my boyfriend to tonight? Or maybe, I look forward to all of them! It is a day off after all. I like to do a lot of things on my day off to make use of every hour in a day. I like to be productive while it is both a good and bad character to have…

I have so many chores to do today, yet my body and mind says no. To stay home and be lazy. The weather outside says no too. It is 19C or 67F outside—overcasted, a bit windy and chilly. This weather is perfect for lounging at home and enjoying outdoors from my living room window. And yet, here I am in a coffee shop—my usual shop to write my blog and random thoughts—enjoying the weather from their patio with my little pup, dallying.

I’m going to a concert tonight and the band that I’m going to see is I’m not familiar with them. I started doing my research about them. Started listening some of their album and I actually liked this one in particular one called Black Sun.

There is whisky in the water
And there is death upon the vine
There is fear in the eyes of your father
And there is “Yours” and there is “Mine”
There is a desert veiled in pavement
And there’s a city of seven hills
And all our debris flows to the ocean
To meet again, I hope it willHow could something so fair
Be so cruel

When this black sun revolved
Around you!There is an answer in a question
And there is hope within despair
And there is beauty in a failure,
And there are depths beyond compare
There is a role of a lifetime
And there’s a song yet to be sung
And there’s a dumpster in the driveway
Of all the plans that came undoneHow could something so fair
Be so cruel
When this black sun revolved
Around you!
How could something so fair
Be so cruel
When this black sun revolved
Around you!There is whisky in the water
And there is death upon the vine
And there is grace within forgiveness
But it’s so hard for me to findHow could something so fair
Be so cruel
When this black sun revolved
Around you!
How could something so fair
Be so cruel
When this black sun revolved
Around you!

There is something dark about this song and its lyrics. In my sad, uncontent days—this song tugged some strings inside of me. I can’t really explain how but I sympathized each lyrics played—“How could something so fair. Be so cruel?” Hmm.

With my thoughts being on the negative side with a lot of things–I wonder how the concert tonight will turn out for me. I should start listening to the other songs that bring more happy vibes—I’m all in for the positive thoughts now.

I look forward to taking my boyfriend to the concert tonight. To see one of his favorite long time band. I learned throughout my years of experience in realtionship—that I am a giver. A giver who is content to see someone else happier than myself. If I see someone else happier due to me, it makes me happy too. I’m glad I found someone who is the same personality as I am—we both have the same sentiment of being a giver. We turned to be both giver, giver and taker. So selfless in a relationship.

On a good note for tonight’s concert, I look forward to seeing my boyfriend’s happy smile.

This is an edit add after the concert 🙂

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