Happiness took its time with me

Have you ever dated someone before and all you can think of is to build your future with them? I’ve been thinking of a lot of things—one of them is marriage.

I have been seeing a lot of post of engagements, pregnancies, and weddings—substantially on my facebook page. I am happy to see my friends being at the stage of their life where they have found someone to share their life with, to buil a family with, and have that happily ever after ending. I am 26 years old, dating a prospect whom I want to build a future with—however, I don’t want to pressure him to propose or to be in a position where my rushed decision to get engage gets in the way of our quality time together—getting to know each other, living the NOW, and plan our future together with patience and love.

When I was growing up from my native country and moved to the U.S. due to family situation, I planned out my life. Goals that I need to achieve at certain age and plans to be laid out and implement them to reach my goals. I thought at 25 years of age, I would have been dating my future husband for couple of years and then potentially get engage by the age of 26. That didn’t happen. What happened instead was my ex-boyfriend cheated on me, I forgave him because I was too invested on him and I had these goals laid out for my “future.” I tried fixing what was broken, but it didn’t feel like how it used to be. I was in constant feeling of anxiety, distrust, and hopeless while trying to smile and act happy around my friends and family. I lied about how I truly feel each and every day after my ex-boyfriend broke my heart. Sure enough, we were constantly fighting. I was accusing him of cheating every time he leaves the apartment and hang out with his single guy friends—partying late at night in the clubs and going to strip clubs—my emotions and mental health were not in balance.

The whole relationship turned toxic. He broke up with me. I was still caught in my feelings for him weeks after we broke up. I kept thinking of the “could haves,” “should haves,” and “could haves.” I lose a lot of weight and my self-esteem was at my lowest, at this point. I did not feel like death was upon me. But I was hurting so much and I didn’t know what to do with my life. My family saw me at my lowest. They didn’t know what to do with me since they haven’t seen me in that situation before, or I was never that person who needed help when it came to relationship advice. My parents have never seen me cry not even once or any hint of weaknesses (a.k.a. Feminine like emotions.) I have taken care of my self ever since I was little. I solve my own problems, and that’s just how I was raised as to be—an independent woman, at such a young age. It is in my culture and family lineage to be the man of the family. So macho. It was not easy growing up macho. So much supressed emotions being bottled up…waiting to blow up.

Typing this blog now still make me sad—a little bit. How could I let a man take over me and make me feel weak and how could I let him hurt me like that and still see the very good side of our relationship—and not the fucked up things that he did to me. I wish I could write all the things he did to me and how it made me feel toward myself. I blamed myself even though I was the victim. I was hurting to the core. Still hurts until now. I guess, its a sting that I will remember until I’m old and grey. If you felt my pain before, you know it will always be there but with time, love and patience…it grows weaker and distant.

I prayed to God to show me the light and help me lessen the pain. To help me find a new source of motivation to wake up every day. To help me forget the good and bad memories related to him. You know what helped me move on? My little pup. He was the little light that I prayed for. He is one of my true source of happiness. He is adorable.

Did you know dogs can read human emotions and he too, exhibit my break-up symptoms. He stopped eating. He was unmotivated to get up and go out see the sun and sunbath like he normally do. He was not invigorating like he used to be—when he sees me and or my family come home from being out all day. I feel bad for him. Being a dog mom, it dawned on me that I’m projecting my emotions to him and he was accepting all of it—hurting like how I was hurting. Then, I suddenly stopped pitying myself. Why my dog should suffer something he was not responsible for. He was so faithful to his momma. You would do anything for you kid, right? I did it for my pup. He was my little kid. I got my motivation back, baby steps. I made it my mission to revive my pup’s bright personality. Whenever, I was off from work—I would take my pup out to coffee shops, parks, and even take him to road trips! Eventually, I saw him become energetic and full of life—and in actuality, I saw myself back to mischievous, full-of-life self. All thanks to my pup for keeping me company when I was at my lowest when even my parents didn’t know what to do. My pup is my emotional support dog.

Happiness is a warm puppy.

Charles Shulte

There is no faith which has never yet been broken, except that of a truly faithful dog

Konrad Lorenz

Fast forward now, it’s been a year since my “recent” break-up. I’m in a better situation in life. I’m in a relationship with an amazing man. My man is patient. He is kind. He is wise. He sings. He listens. He cooks. He makes me feel secure. He encourages. He loves me. He protects me. Yes, I am smitten to this man. At least, for all the right reasons?

I found my Mr. Right. I know what I have is perfect for me. When you have it good, you want to keep it forever, right? This is how I feel with my boyfriend. I want to build a future with him.

I have been thinking about my goals in life. One of them is to get married to the love of my life—which is my boyfriend—at the age of 26. We are compatible in ways I can’t explain. He completes me in everything. A little change in my mood and changes in my body language—he can tell what’s bother me or what I need based on those little hints. So amazing! He can read me too.

The first couple weeks into our relationship, I saw a preview of what my future married life would be. It was a breath of fresh air. I’m giggling as I’m writing this. He does not make me feel butterflies in my belly—he bring out the whole zoo to me.

At age 26, turning 27 this year— I am somewhat close to the married life I envision. I want to be ready when I get married. I want to get married once for the rest of my life. I want to know only one man’s touch who can make my heart beat like no other man can. I want a princess’s happily ever after story. But for this to happen, I need to be patient with my man. I want us to get to know each other more. Travel. Spend time. Cook together, etc., like new couples do. Build our forever memories.

I’ll be patient for him. I want him to propose when he is ready and when he feel we’re both ready to take the next step in life.

Fleeting thoughts like tonight get the best of me, sometimes. It’s better to outlet the vultures that are circling in my head on a platform where I’m free to type whatever comes to my mind.

I’ve thinking about marriage lately.

But all that matter now is that I’m happy with life. I am blessed.

I need to stop being anxious. Be patient. Patience is the key word here. In God’s time He will plan it perfectly for me.

Believe me. You’ll

stop hurting the day

you fall in love with

someone who has the

same meaning of

love as you.

Ruby Dhal

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