Raw and self-sabotaging thoughts

I am no stranger to thinking self-defeating thoughts to lower my self-value and self-esteem.

Lately, ever since I chanced upon my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend last week on a concert that we all attended by chance—I have felt really low of myself—overthinking, feeling of sadness and helplessness took over.

I was helpless? I blamed her presence to make me feel anxious–of something unknown, like something is about to happen—which had caused me few sleepless nights this past weekend. I am still affected by that chanced interaction. Thoughts such as: is she going to text him (my boyfriend) and reconnect with him, she going to text his parents and spend time with them soon specifically Easter weekend, or is she going to make it known to me that her life is better than my present time through her blogs? All of these thoughts were circling in my head like vultures prying on their next meal or victim. I could not help but to feel anxious and look down on myself.

Emotionally—I am very immature—I noticed it today after reading the first few chapters of this book called The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey. I thought, I am well experienced when it comes to love, relationship, and human interactions—yet, again, this book proved me wrong. I judged myself too early these domains. This book showed me how I handle things immaturely–someone whom is dependent on their surroundings to showcase their value in their environment, life and etc. Whose self-value is based upon someone else appraisals of me.

No self-worth unles ssomeone else said it to me.

I am weak it comes to my own feelings and problems, hence, I put the blame on someone else to make myself feel better, to justify my actions and reasoning. And so, I did to this situation, I put the blame on my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. I can’t muster enough courage to speak to her through social means—the fact that we lived in a world full of technology—I can’t find the courage to message her and get her side of story.

Instead, I am penning this story here and dealing with my problems—internally. Hoping to find some answers and clarify.

I don’t know what to do.


This morning when I woke up, the day was so gorgeous from the look it from my bedroom window—the sun was shining ever so brightly, I heard the birds chirping, the leaves dancing to the wind and sunbathing to the sunlight—however, internally, I was feeling down. I ended up browsing my facebook page and other websites that could help me externalized these negative emotions, trying to find quotes to match my sad emotions and feelings. I know someone out there felt what I was feeling, and then, I chanced upon this one article that truly express how I was feeling at that given time. The article was filled with quotes from Dalai Lama—he understood my feelings and uplifted me in a way.

When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways—either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits or by using the challenge to find our inner strength.

Hard times build determination and inner strength. Through them we can also come to appreciate the uselessness of anger. Instead of getting angry nurture a deep caring and respect for troublemakers because by creating such trying circumstances they provide us with invaluable opportunities to practice tolerance and patience.

Blew my mind away! I should practice tolerance and patience. God knows I am an impatient creature. Whom is filled with so much outrage to the external world if things does not go my way…Now, I sound like an emo kid, or spoiled!

How should I see problems, and resolve these issues so that I can come to terms that no matter what I do, I am not in control of the comings and goings around me. I need to stop being a control freak. God has more control over things than us.

I had ever thought that she was there attending the concert because she was also a fan of The Midnight, and not because she was trying to stir problems in my relationship. Or maybe, she bumped into me not on purpose but by accident? It was a really packed concert. All of these self-defeating thoughts are a making of my own over thinking with all the “what ifs” that played over and over in my head.

Overcritical people should not be left alone to their own accord! It is very detrimental to their physical and mental health.

When I took a step back and look at the bigger picture–to try to be the love advisor—that I am to most of my friends—to give me input on this problem, I can see why I felt the way I am feeling then (during the concert) until now. I saw myself as someone whose scared of losing someone important and losing someone who is unique and a perfect match for me. I was scared my boyfriend would leave me to be with his ex. A person whom was tired of starting all over again after dealing with another heart break. All of these thoughts were pessimistic and against me. Realistically, my boyfriend see me as his future and the apple of his eye.

He is kind. He is understanding. He loves me. He is wise. He is patient. He protects me. He is loyal and the most important of them all—he value me more than anything or anyone.

So why did I ever doubted his love for me? His loyalty? Because were humans. I am human. We deal better on the negative side of any kind of problem and, or maybe, because of my past experience with relationships. The latter is a better reasoning.

To be honest, my previous relationship got the best of me. I am still dealing with the side effects of it on my mental health, my thoughts on my self-worth, and how I see and deal with relationship problems. Threading lightly on issues so that he does not see me as a burden of a girlfriend, but of a direct match with his mental, physical and financial level. It’s lot to carry, to persevere, to act tough when the going gets hard. I bottle all my devils inside of me and deal with it, internally—which is bad, really bad.

I am in a relationship, I should share my thoughts and feelings to my boyfriend and we could solve my (our) problems together—it is a relationship for Christ’s sake, right? It is a partnership.

Hence, I call myself emotionally dependent or immature when it comes to love, life, and relationships…maybe more.

Nothing good can come out of my overthinking. I self-sabotage myself, my relationship and my future with this selfish thoughts.

How can one person open up easily with one another and be raw, open-minded to their partner without feeling helpless, hopeless, selfish and demanding? It’s hard. Nothing comes easy. It is a process. Each of us has their own paradigm in being and seeing things. Mine just happen to be self-sabotaging.

Our paradigms, correct or incorrect, are the sources of our attitudes and behaviors, and ultimately our relationship with others.

Covey, S., The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

It my negative attitude toward things that causes this shift of mental thoughts.


To be productive today, I told myself this morning that I will read more pages of the book which I started yesterday.

I chose coffee shop over park today. There is something attractive about reading a book with a cup of coffee in hand. Or I just love coffee and I’m bribing myself to one to read this book. I started this book and it showed several revelations for me. It somehow spoke to me in these typed up words. I had an epiphany–a light bulb light up~

I started highlighting bunch of paragraphs and words. I felt a connection with this author and his typed words.

In all life, there are sequential stages of growth and development…This is true in all phases of life, in all areas of development, whether it be learning to play the piano or communicate effectively with a working associate…

We know and accept this fact or principle of process in the area of physical things, but to understand it in emotional areas, in human relations, and even in the area of personal character is less common and more difficult. And even if we understand it, to accept it, and to live in harmony with it are even less common and more difficult. Consequently, we sometimes look for a shortcut, expecting to be able to skip some of these vital steps in order to save time and effort and still reap the desired results.

These two paragraphs spoke to me, I was dealing with my self-made problems and I was looking for a quick fix—to make my problem go away so I can stop overthinking about it.

Finding a shortcut is not going to make my chronic problem go away, but what it does, it solves the acute problem. I can “pose” and “put on” for my boyfriend, a friend or an co-worker. We can pretend. We can deceived ourselves for a while, yet I believe that most of us know the truth of what we really are inside; and I think many of those we live with and work with do as well.

I need to tackle my problems one at a time by its root—why do I feel threatened by his ex—what ungodly reason why I feel this way. This self questioning problems can not be easily resolved by me, alone—I need his input and give me reassurance to all this self-doubts and other negative thoughts. It’s not an easy fix. But it got to be done, now or never.

I need to open up before these crazy thoughts explodes to an uncontrollable argument latter.

I need to open up my thoughts and feelings now. I need to be raw and relay my inner feelings to my partner. He is my partner. He should be more understanding to me, right?

The way we see problem is the problem.


Self-criticism and self-worth can hold us back to our, “could’ves,” “should’ves,” and “would’ves.” Positive thinking is good, but it does not work all the time. Tackle your problems one at a time and tackle it by its root.

Learn from experiences and principles from being dependent to independent person—to know your own self worth—so a mere negative thought will not lead to a flood of negativities that can potentially ruin your present and future.

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Surprise! I never learn any lesson from my past. Nothing goes through this thick skull of mine.

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My random thoughts penned down on this blog. Good day!

x


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