Dreams and Struggles

I have been sick since this past Saturday. I hate being sick. I hate being my own patient because I’m the worse nurse to myself. It’s not good to be sick because I overthink of anything and everything–worst scenario for someone like me who is almost neurotic.

Being alone has its pros and cons. I can think through the issues that has been dwelling inside of me– career wise, education , and living situation–and find solutions for them. Or I go through all scenarios of “what if’s”

I penned before of how I am struggling to make out the most of my 20s as they quickly zoom past me. I feel like I have so many dreams and goals with little results that I can be happy with. I am turning 27 soon and I am nowhere close to the married life I dreamed of, not close to being a mom or close to being my own boss. A lot of factors played into action with these issues, but I need to own my faults. I could have easily found solutions to all of these, however, I limited myself and feared what other people would think of me –like their opinion mattered more than my own success and opinion. I was trying to fit in the status quo like most of us played in the society.

It’s been a struggle to put on a facade daily.

It has been roughly four years since I have attended school. After nursing school, I took a few classes back at the university to pursue my first dream of becoming a chemical engineer, but that dream has withered into dust now. During that time, I wanted to follow my dream and the footsteps of my dad. In spite of my dream, financially–I was incapable of funding my 4 year degree in engineering as a beginner nurse with little income to spare. I could have easily budgeted my income, social and life time but I chose to live my life and enjoy the moments.

I purse nursing first because this was a good career with good pay with the end goal in mind–the ability to pay for my engineering school later. But I’ve learned my lesson hard, no matter what your end goal or if you have money to pay, or the motivation I still have to take a student loan which I’m not agreeable with. I did not want to be in debt; it was one of the factor why I went for nursing to help me pay for school. However, reality hit I still need to take a student loan because engineering school is not cheap. I did not want to be taken hostage by student loan for the rest of my life so I focused my life in nursing. Making a living out of this found passion of taking care of other people and helping others.

A day has not passed where I wasn’t thinking of engineering school on my mind.

I had so many regrets in life and this one was one of them. I really did not know what I wanted when I started college. I was aimlessly taking classes–majority of them where science classes and then, my mom suggested nursing. At first, it did not sound bad at all and she pointed out the benefits of being a nurse and how it will be good enough to pay back school if I wanted to go back. So I did, half-heartedly. I excelled at it and after graduating I landed a job with one of the top hospital in my city. I was ecstatic and I felt super lucky. Then, I got content with what was happening in my life.

Once in a while, I still dream or have strong urge to go back to school for engineering; however, I kept limiting myself. I don’t see the point in going back to a completely different career. It is like restarting my life all over again (which I think at times is what I needed) I’m still scared. Fearing the challenges that I will encounter with this dream.

I met a lot of people whom are engineers and in our mini conversations, I asked them how their experience in school and with their work are–most of them gave me the look of dissatisfaction and most of them went back to school to pursue something, utterly different which did not help me spark my old dream at all. I doubted myself even more.

Do I really want to go back to school only to be disappointed of the outcomes and beat myself for doing it? For wasting years of my life to purse that dream? For wasting so much money just because I wanted to be an engineer? Only God will know the outcome of it because at this point all I can think of is the “what if” scenarios playing over in my head that will never come to fruition.

Maybe later on in my life, I would have the strong urge and conviction to pursue this dream. I’ll keep at bay. God might give me the courage and enough motivation to follow through this. But for now, I’ll chase another dream.

I’ve written about how a book spoke to me and encouraged me to go back to school to pursue my new found dream and passion for informatics! It’s a new upcoming field in the healthcare system. One of my old dream was Information System so to find a career in healthcare that mixes healthcare and IS was a sign enough to pursue this dream.

I only applied few days ago and I’m already admitted into the schoool. I need to do an interview with my counselor to finish one of the admission requirement. Then, I need to pay for my classes which will start on June 1st. I’m one step closer to my dream. I can’t believe it is happening. I’ve been meaning to go back to school and make more for myself. I’m glad I found a new passion and thanks to the book for encouraging me to back to school and aim for the stars.

This new found passion will not come cheap. I’m fine with it because it is an investment for my future. God is good and He will provide for his children when they’re in dire situations! All the positive vibes to and for me.  I say this to myself to uplift my spirit.

Since, I’ll be paying for this class soon (mid-of next month), and my Europe trip coming up next month as well, and the move out of my apartment in early June–I’m sure its going to be tight when it comes to my financial. I know all the struggles that I will go through while I’m in school and working full-time—it will be a lot to handle. I will have to rely on God, my friends and family for comfort when the going gets bad and depression sets in. Please pray for me and my new adventure!

I fully know myself and I can see things coming with new adjustments and events heading my way. I will have moments where I feel hopeless, weak and I will have more than plenty of teary nights. What’s success without struggles, right?

Every successful person out there—they all worked their butt off to lead them where they are in life now.

I have to pen my feelings now and later on down the road 2-3 years from today once I’m done with my program, I’ll read this blog and see if my premonitions were true after all. If my expections were bullseye. Maybe, I can pat shoulders and say, “You did well, my friend. You did well.” My success will be a story to tell to my future children and grandchildren

To tell my stories how I procrastinated, struggled, and persevered to become something else. To become someone else because I wanted more. Finding our own passion is not a walk in the park. Sometimes we get lost in the status quo to belong and be with the rest of the crowd. There will be nights filled with cries and heart breaks. Days composed of good, bad, happy, sad, etc. And the idea of going back to school is hard when the motivation is nonexistent and when enough money and lifestyle is comfortable enough leading to a contentment feeling without aiming other goals in life.

To tell my children and grandchildren that finding ourselves takes a lot of work, mistakes, and struggles. Chasing our dreams can be a lonely affair. To stick with your gut and move forward. God has plans for us. He will put obstacles in our way to show what were missing and what needs to be done in life to show us our current blessings and hidden blessings.

Yes, chasing our dreams can be a lonely affair, but it doesn’t have to be. When the going gets hard and bad for me—I will talk to my friends, family and other loved ones. They will bring me comfort and will uplifts my mood.

High fives to us who are starting their education and career again. It won’t be easy. Let’s journey together to the unknown and tackle the challenges one by one.

We got this!

I’ll end this blog on a positive note and to influence someone to be proactive in their life.

In words of Samuel Johnson: “The fountain of content must spring up in the mind, and he who hath so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition, will waste his life in fruitless efforts and multiply the grief he proposes to remove.”

We are responsible for our own effectiveness, for own happiness, and ultimately, I would say, for most of our circumstances.

Knowing that we are responsible—is fundamental to being effective and proactive.

Be the change you want to see, experience it, and live it up.

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