It’s been tough for me this past month. Partially because studying for my classes is not easy. Life and work stress are putting extra pressure on my shoulders and I don’t know what to do but to vent here.
It is challenging to excel in my studies when my study skills are rusty since it has been over 5 years since the last time I have had taken a proper class for a degree. With my full-time job in the medical field and with my crazy schedule—it is easy to forget that I actually do have assignments to submit, readings to do, and school schedule to include in my daily activities.
A couple of weeks ago, I was on a weekend trip to Denver with a couple of my friends. The day after arriving back home, I started writing a blog about my experience—yet— it is still not posted because I still have not finished writing my experiences.
I had so many things to share, pictures to show, and places to jot down for future backpackers, and hikers out there—yet, it is still not penned here. It is still in my draft post, waiting to be finished.
I love starting new things, all at once. However, finishing them is another issue. I never finish anything or I simply lose interest in them—which is a basic trait for my ADHD.
If it’s not fun, let it go. At times, this notion can be good, but not when it comes to education, work, and in life.
I have found out several years ago in the midst of the last year of my schooling that I have had developed an adult form of ADHD. There are several causes for this. Mine was simple.
I have learned that I was developing this diagnosis when I have had noticed that I could barely pay attention to anything that were discussed in my class; I could not do my homework, or do my assigned readings, or pay attention. I could not sit still or stand still for anything longer than minute—with all of these factors, I have noticed that I was failing in all my college classes—drastically.
I know I needed to do something to help myself. Although, during this time of my life, I was struggling in finding my passion and purpose in this so called “life”. I managed to get an appointment with my family doctor in which during this visit he properly diagnosed me with an adult version of ADHD. I was prescribed with a strong medication to battle my severe form of ADHD.
After a week or so of being on a medication, I have noticed major changes in my attention span, my ability to remember information and process things clearly without rushing/jumping into conclusions.
I was living my life. I did great in all my classes and passed my board exam too!
I was thankful that I took the time to go to my doctor and got properly medicated instead of waiting to fail miserably in my school.
Years later on, my palpitation problem increased and now, it is so severe, where a mere 30-seconds of powerwalk would heighten my heart rate to 120s beats per minute (beat per minute) and I would experience shortness of breath and chest palpitations.
This was an another problem that needed to be resolved.
A year ago, I stopped taking my medication and followed up with a cardiologist. With the lab results from my blood tests, and basic questions related to my activities and palpitation problems—he summarized my visit as a “lack of sodium intake with an increased intake of my water” In other words, my first cardiologist took my complaint as a joke and basically told me to add more salt in my food, to decrease over-excessive intake of water in my diet. And with my young age this palpitation is normal and it should lessen with a little change in my diet.
But it didn’t. It gotten worse, in my opinion.
However, with another life issues and changes that were happening in my life. I did not follow up with another cardiologist, to get a second opinion.
During this time, I also lost my insurance coverage because I turned 26, and I forgot to make proper changes in my insurance policy through work—I was insurance-less for a year.
I was paranoid about everything. I maintained a “healthy” lifestyle to prevent myself being hospitalized or even go to a clinic in fear of high monetary penalty for being uninsured.
So, my health was put on hold.
This past July, my health insurance through work came into effect. I immediately followed it up with a new cardiologist (from my hospital) with credibility and good review in and out of the hospital. My dear co-worker of a doctor, from the same hospital, set up my appointment for this cardiologist during his day off which was not an easy feat! This doctor was booked for weeks.
He was worried about my health. He has been bugging me for the past year to follow up with a cardiologist; however, like I said before, I was unable to do so because I was uninsured. So this year, he and I made sure I see a cardiologist. Not just any cardiologist, but a top-rated cardiologist in the nation!
All the labs and some testing has been done. One more test to do in a week then, my cardiologist and I will have a conclusive diagnosis for my palpitations problem.
Until then, my plan to visit a psychiatrist for my ADHD medication is on hold.
Taking any type of mediations for ADHD causes a person to have higher heart rate than a normal person would. Hence, I am putting my appointment to my psychiatrist on hold.
And until then, I will suffer through this inattentiveness in and our of my life. Struggling to excel in my new found purpose in my life too.
As I am penningthis blog—I am suppose to talk to my program mentor in regards to my progress with my two certifications—I put my phone on silent. I am shamed to talk to her because I have not done the work that I should be doing. I have not studied anything for this particular class.
I was supposed to be done with this class 3 weeks ago; however, I had asked my mentor to extend it due to studying difficulty. I am glad that she did because I did not want my gpa to be affected due to a failed class or two.
Everything is on hold, for now.
Internally—I am struggling to excel on this class and everything about this program. My ADHD is so terrible right now and I can no longer hide and or escape from tasks. It is slowly creeping in and increasing my stress level.
I don’t know what to do at this point. Or, rather, I know what to do, but at this moment, I can’t do them yet due to certain factors that needed to be considered.
People think having an ADHD is a joke and I feel the stigma that it brings onto my life.
I, sometimes, often wish people are more cautious in their opinion with people who are struggling with ADHD. Most of them can be so absurd.
It’s not easy living with ADHD, let alone a severe form of it.
I wish people are less judgemental about this condition and be more understanding. Sending more love, than prejudice.
I’m feeling low.