(NO) Future

In this season of my life, I have something big to look forward to—my first year anniversary with my boyfriend. It has been a journey and I’m looking forward to the present and to our future together as a couple.

This whole year has been such a blessing to both of us. And I’m thankful and grateful to God.

From my previous experiences with relationships, anniversaries, and long-term planning with my significant other (at the time)—I have learned that my future always seem so dire. Things happen such as jealousy, uncertainty, lack of communication, lack of physical touch and need which eventually caused falling out of love. It seems like all of these factors appears in every (or my) relationship the longer you stay in a relationship with a significant other.

After my last break-up last year—I was lost. I was heartbroken. I remember waking up crying and going to bed, crying. I remember the days goes by without eating anything at all, feeling my stomach growls constantly. I hated myself.

I remember hating my overweight body. I hated my flappy arms. My thunder thighs. I hated my Asian ancestry because physically, I was comparing my physical characteristic of a Victoria Secret model with another exotic looks; beautiful long legs, Mona Lisa’s eyes and beautifully sculpted nose.

After a month of being depressed—I have lost about 20 pounds. Slowly, I have regained my confidence in a form of sexier body.

I downloaded a couple of dating apps such as Hinge and Bumble. Both are such good apps in regards to the amount of different selections for men. Haha, different varieties for different palates, ladies!

I’m not going to get into details, but if you are in the same situation like I was last year, I recommend you download these two apps and go take yourself out to the dating scene! Never limit yourself. Never cry to bed like I did, instead go out and enjoy your life.

It took me almost 7 months of being in the dating scene; going out on several dates in one day then finally. Dating got to me. I was exhausted and so I decided to stop. And that I was done with dating. To take a break and enjoy my singleness.

So, I did.

I was single for couple of weeks. I enjoyed my time with my friends and family. Enjoyed my day offs with road trips with my little pup out of town. I was very content with my life, at that moment.

Then one day, God said, “you are ready” in my head. I met my boyfriend now when I re-opened my bumble account.

His mischievous smile took my little heart—daydreaming.

I have written the paragraphs above a couple of days ago and I was not able to finish it (like my other blogs that are in my draft tab)

Today, I am sad to say that this relationship has ended.

I don’t even know where to begin. I guess, his love for me has changed to a status of a friend or a sister, not of a lover. He said so. I asked him yesterday and late last night for the reason why he broke up with me–I can summarize it to something along the line of he feels something is missing and he can’t see a future with me, but just friendship.

I cannot begin to tell you how much heart broken and sad I am feeling right now. The future that I once imagined is no longer possible. Deeply heartbroken.

I am feel lost. I am feel disheartened about the potentiality of putting myself out there again in the dating world.

I hate the idea of starting all over again. Going out to dates. Skimming through all my options on a dating app. Putting up a fake smile every time I meet a new guy on a date and pretend to be someone else.

I was so happy when I met my ex-boyfriend, he was such a fresh of breath air. I was happy that I was done with all the dating scene. It was exhausting.

But now, I suppose I am back to being single again and have to pretend to be someone else again to attract somebody new to fill this void that I’m feeling right now.

Please send a prayer my way to help me heal this broken heart and fill this void with something meaningful.

God says he is not the right one so I shall wait and be patient for the right man to enter my life again. God has control of my life.

God is still good. So, so good to me.

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