I don’t know.

Ever since my break-up this past weekend, my optimistic self is somehow faced with very depressing thoughts. I would not say like I would end my life, but it just feels that way. God is putting me on silence and I’m more heart broken about it too.

My motivation to wake up and to see a beautiful sunrise is changed to waking up in tears. From my thoughts of the ‘what if’s’, ‘could haves‘, ‘should haves‘, and ‘would haves.’ Replaying the scene from this weekend over and over again. Replaying and making up other responses that could have prevented this break-up.

But no matter what I think of then and now, it was not going to change the reality that this relationship is done. The end. There is no future for him and I.

I am heart broken. I am single. And I must face this dance all by myself. To start all over again in the unknown world of dating.

Today was supposed to be our one-year anniversary. I have looked forward to this day for weeks, only to be crushed by a break-up.

I could not blame him for this break-up. I understood and respected his decision and we are both adults making adult decisions.

What I could not understand is why did he waited this long to tell me that he does not feel the same way for me anymore…he started feeling this way months ago…but did not have the nerve to have this serious conversation.

I opened up our conversation this weekend because I was sensing his indifference towards me. I didn’t know his feelings has changed so much. I didn’t expect his honest answer after I persisted over an hour to be honest with me with his feelings.

I guess, I am partly responsible for this event.

I can’t force people to continue to love or like me just because they feel guilty of ending it. I prefer to be heart broken, depressed and cry for weeks and move-on. It’s part of life.

Seeing him and his expression during this convo, I realized he was hurting a lot too. He was hurting. But not as much as I am hurting now. After he break the news to me, I saw hint of relief on his eyes and face. This broke my heart even more.

How could one person continue to say, ‘I love you’ with genuine tone and expression yet, they feel don’t honestly feel that way. I am so baffled right now.

I don’t know who to blame for this ending. I can’t blame myself because I did everything in my power and effort to give my all. I can’t blame him because he was honest enough that his feelings changed, not because he cheated or starting talking to somebody else.

I just don’t know.

I am tired of crying. I am tired of over-thinking. My body is feeling this stress and it is slowly affecting my mental health.

Sissy, depression, is just around the corner.

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