Feeling lost. Find me.

It has been two and a half months since the last time I have penned a post here.

It has been rough time coming back to writing and posting things after my break-up. To be honest not a day that goes by where my heart is not longing for my ex-bf. To be with him again. To share and experience new memories with him. I still go to bed hoping to see him, hoping to get a text message or a phone call from him. But it never happen.

This radio silence, I took this time to just nurture myself and practice self-love again.

Break-ups are never easy. And with each break-ups that I have experienced, it gets harder and harder. No amount of dates, new guys can ever replace my memories with my ex—the time that we have spent together, my love, my longings—I thought he was, “The One” but it was a lie. He didn’t see the same future that I have envisioned for both of us.

I guess, the break-up was the best for us. To start all over again. To rip my heart of emotions that I have nurtured for him.

It is a different kind of love when the person whom you loved the most in this whole wide world had to walk away and you had to wish him the best and wish him happiness that you could not provide—it is the most heart-breaking kind of love.

We never had any big fights. We never hated each other. Our love and relationship was the “happy ending” one. It was never hard to see a future with him. No problems. Hence, this break-up was the hardest one to move on yet. I loved fully and whole-heartedly.

But, I had to let him go so he can find his own happiness in someone else.

I missed my free-writing blog post; however, it was hard coming back to this platform with all the negative emotions that I was feelings these past months. Today, I felt deep down inside of me that I have to write all these emotions for me to move-on or just to help me relieve all these negativity in a platform where there’s no judgment coming from my family or friends. Just pure strangers, reading my post and hopefully they can sympathize my situation.

These past couple of months, literally a lot of things happened to me—life, love, travel, and school.

So what I have been up to, other than, being sad and depressed in my own little bubble? Can you guess it? I have been traveling out of state and been doing road trips.

A week and a half after my break-up, I booked a last minute trip to San Diego and tried my luck there. I made one of the most random memories in my life yet! Two weeks after that, I went to Myrtle Beach, SC with my mom and she treated me for my birthday gift. Then went to Austin with a friend for the ACL festival two weeks later! Turned it to a girls weekend getaway!

And this past weekend, I was supposed to go to NYC but somehow, a flood of emotions and memories, hit me in my sleepless night. Memories that I should have started forgetting. My first time in NYC was with my ex and he showed me how fun it could be living in a city where everybody and nobody sleeps—a city that never sleeps. Out memories together still continues to haunt me.

Negative emotions snarled at me. I have not been sleeping well in over a month and my body is feeling it. My mental health is slowly deteriorating. My optimistic self is trying to stay positive but is the hardest thing to do when my heart is longing for someone whom I should not be with again. There was no future between us.

My heart is so stubborn and want him back. If only, someone can hug me right now.

I don’t know when I’ll start feeling better about being single. I don’t know when I’ll be able to open up again to another guy. I don’t know when I’ll be content of what I have now and stop wishing for things.

I have all these love that I don’t know how to redirect. Maybe, God will hear my longing and prayers and heal this broken heart.

I feel lost and I don’t know what do with my life. (Well I know what I should do but my stubborn heart is still refusing to move-on and refusing to forget about my ex and all the memories that we have built together)

I want to be happy. Can you pray for me? I believe everyone’s prayers hold a weight on God’s mind. So, if you can spare me a min or two and pray for me, I would gladly appreaciate it.


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